there is no such thing as silence
it is an illusion at best
i try to find it often
but just when i think
i am close
i hear this buzz
low and on the surface
of everything
this electronic whir
like a dying fan in a computer tower
faint
but there
driving home i turn off the radio
despite Mazda's best efforts,
i hear the tires grinding against the road
the air brushing through the vents
walking inside
i close the door
and actually remember to turn the lock
and i sit in my favorite chair
draw my knees in
and
try to find the silence
it is elusive
it sneaks around corners
and under doors
it seeps out through creaking windows
and loose boards
i run a warm bath
and slip quietly into the tub
ears below water
the buzz is softer
eyes closed
searching for the silence
the buzz is softer still
almost there
almost silent
a drop of water falls from the faucet
the drip drip dripping
slips the silence down the drain
i search in vain

i have bent
until i have broken
and shards of my spine
have crackled and split
and shot across the room
i am like jello
a spineless simp
with arms
and legs
that i can't move
left lying on the floor
writhing as best i can
thoughts whirring through my head
wondering why i let it go this far
angry only at myself
for losing my spine
before it broke
for swallowing whatever courage i had
before my throat went dry
for breaking my own heart
before you could
and it ends like this
limp and broken
tossed aside
lying on a cold hard floor
in a pool of my own cowardice
void of emotion now
waiting for my soul to spark to life
but it never happens
i just lie there...
staring at a doorway
but lacking the courage
to walk through it