i am trapped in fitful consciousness
half way between sleep
and absolute consciusness
an uneasy belly pushing me to sleep
to stop the pain of it all
and reeling me into consciousness
to face the reality of it
push and pull
this tug of war
simply left wondering
which side will win this round
i wish i could just close my eyes
and sleep
for hours and hours
and wake up
with a stomach that has settled
and the medicine inside of me
that i am allergic to
will have weakened itself
considerably

i have tried to wash my hands
of you
i have poured bleach
on white skin
and you are still there
locked below the surface
teasing
reminding me
that I cant break free
from you
completely
and on some level
as vague and distant
as it may be
i will always know
how you taste
and smell
and feel
i will always remember
your laughter
and the salt of your tears
and i can scald my skin
and watch
my own red blood
drip down my arms
to rinse you
from within
but to no just end
you are there
like some sordid virus
left to haunt me
long before and after
the presentation of symptoms
and no matter
what i do
what lengths i go to
you will always be there
reminding me
that people are not always
what they seem
i will never be free from you
completely
you will always reside there
just below the surface
and old mistake
that I am condemned
to remember
but obliged to ignore
and while i know that you are there
somewhere in my head
lurking between my conscience
and any rational thought pattern
i know that i dont need you
or want you
you are simoly a vagrant
reading an old pamphlet
on squatter's rights.

I dont want to be like this
I dont want to measure
my own happiness
in terms of you
i want to be able to
walk away from
everything
anything
nothing
i had
or have had
with you
and be happy
100 percent
i want to know
that i can move on
with you
or without you
and be happy
i want to know that
deep down inside
i can make it on my own
and you are just scratching my surface
but i am starting to realize
that you are more than that
yes i can be happy without you
but when i am with you
there is an intensity
that i can barely describe
when confronted with it
i cant find the words
i want to be with you
in some way
my way
your way
our way
whatever little scenario we have
and I dont look for the next level
or more rules to play by
and i know this
of this i am absolutely certain
i dont want it to change
the occassions of it
the grandeur of it
the casual nature of it
the presence of affection
the absence of love
the present entanglement of emotion
the oddities of us
the narrow-mindedness of us
the absolute perfection
of this ambiguous union that we share
i wish i could be as superficial
as i thought i was
and i wish that the consequences
of our actions
weren't so profound
i know that in time
things will change
paradigms will shift
...are in the process of shifting...
i know that for now
all i can do
is enjoy the rare moments
we have had
and know that
all good things come to an end
that there will be pain
most unexpected
and then there will be joy
and you scratched my surface
eventhough it was simple
eventhough it was just for fun
eventhough it lasted as long as it did
against most all odds
a heart is a fragile thing
among us pseudosuperficial folk
it can shatter into pieces
much like happiness
all for me to sweep up
together
and piece back into place
a few pieces misses
that you kept
to remember me by