i can't sleep again
to many thoughts
whirring in my head
swishing back and forth
wondering the why and how
of everything around me
unable to turn it off
wishing the past would never
really leave us
wondering how i am supposed
to go on breathing
and when i am supposed
to stop crying
and why something like this had to happen
my mother died.
i miss her
every day
i cry every day
usually at night
just as I lay down to sleep
and just after I pray for her
i cry because
in that one moment,
i am reminded that she isnt here
and that she wont be
we talked on the phone every day
she used to call me when she was bored
we would sit up together at night
late
and watch tv
all the old shows that we loved
that i loved as a kid
were now in reruns
and we would laugh
and drink coffee
and i felt so loved
and on the day she died
i immediately felt like an orphan
i miss her so completely
my heart is broken
and i can think of nothing
that could repair it
i feel like a shell
washed in by the ocean
present but empty
and miserable.