i have big blue veins
in my arms
extending
from elbow to wrist
white skin
that you can almost
see through
pink lines across skin
across big blue veins
thin red lines
my unhealthy coping mechanism
i havent done this in years
and it was by accident i started
slipped and cut my arm
and immediately
i felt it
that amazing wave
that washes over you
warm and tingling
and the peace that it provides
a welcome distraction from my world
so i look at my arm
with the white skin
you can almost see through
and the big blue veins
and i see new scars forming
and oddly enough
it seems as if the old scars
are rising to the surface to welcome them.

old habits
like old friends
comforting
and welcoming
a reunion of sorts
it is amazing
how fast it all comes back
like riding a bike
no time lost
a welcome surprise
like putting on an old coat
at the start of winter
and finding money
in the pocket

ouch
children say ouch
or they cry
when they have been hurt
too weak
too emotional
to suck it up and be strong
masters of stating the obvious
and as we grow older
we bottle it up
emotional pain
as well as the physical
grunting and redfaced
a swear word flees our lips
and suddenly we look weak
but the longer you hold it in
your stomach turns to a festering sore
a condition that quickly spreads to the soul
and all that pain
builds in layers
and the layers merge
slowly
over time
it destroys you from within
and you never realize it happened
until the calm after the storm
when you sit back
and say,
"damn. "
and you realize
that one person
can only bend so far
until she breaks
to release a little
just to see if it works
to see if it takes the edge off
cause nothing else has worked
ouch

there are some wounds
that cannot be healed
some rivers
run too deep
there are some words
that need not be said
no matter how long
or how eloquent
some apologies
can never be accepted
there are some times
when you have to accept
that things will not always go to plan
the good guys lose on occassion
and life in general is one huge snafu.

my mind drifts
over statements
that have been made
peeling back the cordial veneer
seeing past the aluminum siding
exteriors
into the windows
watching what you really do
in your free time
what you really think
and say
when I'm not there
and I wonder
how two people
so different
can share
the same skin.

love is an odd thing
malleable
it changes
stretching itself
over time
years later....
distance between it
but it is still there
maybe thinner
than it was years ago
but decidedly present
you may think
that it has left you
that your hardened heart
does not bear the scars
of the past
but you are wrong
you will feel it
surge and retreat before you
sick to your stomach
to realize
that times have changed
lives have been lived
and yet - you still love him
the beautiful thing
is remembering
that if it is love
it never dies
it changes
it melts
and reforms
but it lives still
inside of him
as well

some souls are too tarnished
to be revealed
within the heart
just a muddled
oxidation
casting shadows
on something beautiful
something that used to be pure

We are all damaged
with our chipped corners
and torn pages
we are fragile parcels
who someone
long ago
was not careful with
we are all broken
there are pieces of us
drifting about this universe
that we will never see again
and as much as we strive for perfection
we are all imperfect
we have all cried out in pain
and anger
writhing in the misery
of our current plight
we are all orphans
left alone on doorsteps
children who must fend for themselves
stretching and reaching
in an attempt just to survive
bruised and beaten
tattered and torn
alongside the comrades
I never realized I had.